Welcome to 'Unleashing Canine CounterStories: Exploring Humane Education with Dr. Lori'. I am your guide as we navigate the fascinating world of human/canine relationships. To put it bluntly, it's complicated. But I'm here to help hash it all out!
In this series, we'll examine our interactions with our canine companions and discover ways to build stronger, more empathic connections by considering your dog's perspective along with your own. This is known as Canine CounterStories - taking a broader look into how something that has 'always been' may have actually had another angle to look at all along.
Today we will look at how our mindset can shift the energy of our requests. Do we want to be demanding (COMMANDS) or do we want to have a dialogue and explain ourselves in a calm, kind way (cues)? Same relationship between you and another, yet this little subtle difference creates a completely opposite relationship dynamic.
Instant Gratification: We live in a quick result kind of world. We say 'this', or push this button or link, and instantly get 'that'. That's our relationship with 'things', but isn't always so clear-cut when it comes to other living beings. When we (literally) 'bark' orders at another, sure we may get a quick, instant response, but what relationship are we really building from that?
"Sit!" (or else!) vs. "Come here, boy... Goooood boy...!" (so happy to see you!) What is the overall mood of the exchange? Is the commanding order tense? Is the enthusiastic cue joyful? Which feels better for your body? Which one do you think feels better for them?
Partnership: It comes down to whether you are looking for a 'good soldier' who just does as they are told to 'stay out of trouble', or a partnership where you can communicate back and forth and they can actively participate (I promise you, it is extremely fulfilling). Once you take a step back and start looking for opportunities of mutual respect and understanding, this human-dog thing lands as a whole other animal (pun intended)!
Human Authority: Yes, we get it... 'your house, your rules'. But you also invited this fluffernutter to join you, and they never signed a contract to be under strict human protocol at all times. Not only that, you don't actually tell them what to do 24/7 so that leaves a lot of gaps where sometimes dogs have no idea WHAT is acceptable and what isn't. If only taught the 'no's' they never truly get to understand the 'yes's'. They are smarter than many times we give credit for, but if we never take the time to communicate something, how can we expect them to just know it automatically?
A Canine CounterStory here: if they try to avoid the 'No' without knowing the 'Yes', it can lead to avoiding consequences by simply doing nothing at all. That quiet state may actually be restrained emotion, low grade learned helplessness and possibly a little...suppressed. This is hard to think about, especially when we so often just assume a quiet dog is what we are sometimes looking for in a canine partner. But when we dig a little deeper, is that at a (canine) emotional cost? Clear KIND communication brings with it long-term connection, which is such a liberating gift you can provide with a few small relationship tweaks.
Practice Makes Perfect: So how can we combat any possible suppression? CUES! Let's think of training as 'communicating', and train with an open mind that allows for dogs to be inquisitive, and make mistakes safely (no harsh negative consequences) so they can LEARN from them. If there is something going on you are not in favor of, show a desirable alternative (i.e. don't want them to chew your shoe, take the shoe away and put a rope toy in their mouth instead).
We are Family: One more word of advice, progress is not linear. Remember that instant gratification I spoke about? It isn't always the case in the world of behavior...with kids, adults, dogs, or anyone. Give grace. If you can look at what you are asking from their eyes, you may come across more rigid than you realize. That can be confusing, and may even get frustrating (for them), and they may react in a confused or frustrated way. But you know what they do do? They give grace... and keep coming back! No matter how unintentionally we may give them a hard time. They are still showing up. Not because they are unintelligent, but because you are family. Ohana.
So... Drill Sergeant or Bestie? Their boss or their guide? Which role are you looking to provide?
Notice which one brings about more joy...for you both.
